It was that extremely hot summer of 2007 when things started to fall apart. Or maybe things had been falling apart for a longer period of time and it had only gone unnoticed for me. It is hard to say what is the truth and I can´t remember so well anymore. Nevertheless it was that very very hot summer when you and me were too much apart already. Me occupied with my job out of town and you busy with your own stuff, I´m ashamed to admit now, I was never even too interested in knowing about. 

When we were together again you told me I looked good with the new muscles that I had got from working on a construction and I tell you, you look beautiful and thinner after that new diet of yours, not knowing that you have actually developed a eating disorder while I was gone over some shit I had said. And we would try to fix things with drunken sex with third parties during those sweaty nights together. 

And he roughs you up while I watch and I know that it get´s you off and you enjoy it. You tell me how good he is with his fingers and tongue and how good it feels to be taken like that. I love you and I don´t mind.

Only this one time something is wrong and you start crying.

and

I don´t know how to react.

Until my jealousy suddenly takes over.
 These feelings I didn´t know to exist they come pouring down like a violent rain. They rush through my heart, my arms and fists and everything I had kept suppressed  I now let flow out, through  my arms, my fists into this rope and  squeeze around his neck.
 I hope you feel better now my love, seeing the lengths I´m willing to go.   

Fine. Now that I´m caught anyways, I guess there is no harm in coming clean with what I did. I killed her. Yes it was me, I confess. I did it. After three fucking years don´t you think I deserved something better? Better than a fucking SMS; "I have met someone else and actually this has been going on for six... SIX FUCKING MONTHS!?! ...already." She writes me that she doesn´t want to see me in person, because she thinks I might be angry. I have never ever hurt her in anyway and THIS! This what I get. Fuck NO! You were supposed to be mine. You were supposed to love me. We were supposed to be together forever. NO! This is unacceptable. So I go over to her and I take back what is mine. I force that life of hers out and it will be mine forever now.

Taking your life didn´t help thou and I find myself even more saddened by the idea of being apart from you now that the anger is gone. I love you baby all I want is to keep you close to me, but in life you abandoned me and in death you are gone also... Unless!
 ...and so I take and I carve and harvest all eatable parts of you. This way we will be together till the end of time.

Your thighs make nice steaks. I even go through the trouble of making sausages from your flesh. I use your own guts for making those after I have washed all the shit out of em.

And with corn and spring potatoes with butter... Baby you taste SOOOOO GOOD! I keep eating you for two months.

But eventually you ran out as you always have and even this meaty diet of you has made me constipated eventually I just have to let go and I cry out of control over the thought of losing you again. 

When someone finally figured out you were missing (I bet it was that new boyfriend of yours) and the police came to question me, I had been locked inside my toilet for two weeks eating my excrement again and again. Certain that this was the only way not to lose you.

Then in the police car they had the radio open with some Eminem song playing in the air like a bad joke, going something like this; "My Darling, I don't ever want you to leave me
My Darling, you and me were meant to be together
My Darling, And if I cannot have you, no one can, you're myMy Darling, cause I possess your soul, your mind, your heart and your body" 

Doubtfully had anyone seen such a protest against human life before as was seen in regional hospital of Kuusankoski on 23rd of August in 1984 at 3:15 am, when our, only two days earlier born redeemer welcomed the mankind to the lowest depths of hell. Terribly scaring the night nurse, by speaking out those words, before crucifying himself into the cradle he had been lovingly swaddled.  

Asko had decided to disembowel the world. Even it would kill him.

One day in a summer 2010 I came across with a dead viper lying on the street.
It´s belly was already burst open, so I picked it up and inserted a stick in through the hole.
...and continued bicycling using the snake as a pennon.

Later then, when I was back home I stuck the stick in the ant´s nest in our back yard.
Couple weeks later our grand mother passed away and I was one of the coffin carriers at her funeral.
"Mom explained to me that it was bad, the way I had put that snake like that, like pointing at the house and all, and that it was like a curse, that made our grandma die."
"I was thinking, that I didn´t want her to die. I loved her, I couldn´t have known, that something like that could happen and I was sorry." 

Day before yesterday I found a dead crow while I was on my walk.
I picked it up and headed my way back home.
Picked up an axe and headed to wood shed.

...where I decapitated the crow.
The headless torso I nailed to the outside wall of our house.
We´ll see who dies this time.

My bladder that is bursting wakes me up at some time of the night when it`s darkest and I`m afraid of the dark.

Only the certainty of soon to be wet sheets gets me to face my fears and makes me leave the safety of my bed. 

Couple of meters through the darkness and my fingers reach the switch. Light fills the room.

...and I wait a moment to calm my racing heart, before the next venture.

After a while of collecting myself, I fumble the lights to the living room without stepping into the darkness myself. From there my road leads to the hallway, where in every-time I go by night, the invisible fingers grope the back of my pajamas. Hallway in which the light switch connecting with the toilet is located in the far end of the room.

I just run with all I got!

And hit the switch with the palm of my hand and banish the invisible chasers. I let my pants drop and lift up the toilet seat.

Nothing could have had me prepared for what was coming next...

Facing the the monster lurking and grinning beneath the water makes me lose control of my bladder, making me wet my thighs and toes and there comes no end for my screams before everything goes dark in my eyes.

Next morning I wake up from my bed, wearing clean pajamas and get to witness my hangoverish aunt washing her dentures with Koskenkorva vodka in the kitchen. Dentures that she had dropped while puking in the toilet. Dentures that she then places in her mouth and smiles. ...wide.